He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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