Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
