it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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