don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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