She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
