Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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