david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
