I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
