I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
