We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
