I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i think my cat just said my name.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize