He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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