hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
