well I can't set my house on fire every night
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
