the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
