my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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