Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
