I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
