Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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