Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
a search helicopter?!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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