I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
