I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
