I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
