your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
