someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
