I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize