I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
