Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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