and next time when you feel me up, do it right
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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