It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
