So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
