They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
