she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
