You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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