Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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