I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Found your dick twin last night
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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