her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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