Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
