Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
