He disabled his match.com account in front of me
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
