and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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