You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
