so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
honey bunches of taint.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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