Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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