when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
