tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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