Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
