I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
