She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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