My hand turned me down
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
