someone threw a dead crab at me
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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