Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
