do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
