come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
