Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
