My underwear smells like fireworks.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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