3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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