people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
