Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
