Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize