its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
